Modern Carp Fishing - Spoof

[Nailbourne]

A few months ago, a pal of mine and his son dropped in, bringing me a welcome gift of venison, shot on the college estate where he lectures on country sports. Part of the course is fishery management, and he pointed out, rather sadly, that all his students wanted to fish for was carp. Being anathematised by modern carp fishing, I wrote a spoof essay and sent it to him. He was delighted, and vowed to copy it for all his students! Since then I've joined the TFF, and thought I'd post it for the edification/annoyance of members. It's a bit lengthy, so I'll do it in instalments.

Remember, it is a spoof!

'CARP FISHING
So, you want to go fishing and, of course, that means carp. Now, there are lots of different species of coarse fish in Britain, but only a few are worthy of attention of the dedicated angler. Apart from carp, only tench and barbel need concern us. The rest – roach, bream, perch, rudd – are just trash fish that only grow to a few pounds in weight. Not a serious challenge. Pike are a bit better but are difficult to find, but all these types of fish cannot be selectively bred to attain huge size, as can carp. And, where they do grow to above average size, you have to find them in a natural habitat.
No, stick to fishing for carp in dedicated carp lakes where you know what fish are there, and their weights. Even their names!
The philosophy of fishing for carp can be summed up in a few sentences, in order of importance:
1. Choose the right companions.
2. Use the right bait.
3. Use the correct tackle and accessories.
4. Choose the right time.
5. Find the fish.
Let’s look at these in detail.'

[Nailbourne]

Second instalment:
'Choose the right companions This is critical. Fishing alone is quite anti-social and, if you have to wait more than twenty minutes or so for a bite, can be boring. With a few like-minded pals, with adequate food and drink, and things to keep you occupied between bites, the time will past pretty quickly.
Use the right bait During the last thirty years, there has been a revolution in this area. It used to be held that carp ate mostly natural food that they found in their habitats – worms, grubs, silkweed, daphnia. To catch carp on any man-made bait, such as bread paste, required several years of dedicated ground-baiting before the fish would associate this weird stuff as nutritious food. Suddenly, or so it seemed, freshwaters became host to a new invasive species – the boilie. Nobody knows where this came from, or how it was introduced into Britain. Some blame the French, some the Chinese, some the Russians. Regardless of blame, the boilie overran British freshwaters, breeding unmolested, and fish – especially carp – soon found it to be a delicious, nutritive food, almost addictive. Boilies do not thrive in salt water.
In an effort to produce artificial versions of this (no natural boilie has ever been found alive in its natural state) anglers turned to Celebrity Chefs to come up with a solution. Among those who contributed were Gordon Ramsay, Marcus Wareing, Marco Pierre White (an avid angler, him) and most of all, Jamie Oliver. The latter, having tried unsuccessfully to improve school meals, went on a crusade to wean fish – especially carp – on to food that was nutritious, irresistible and, most of all, convenient.
Enough of the history of the boilie. Suffice to say that, today, no other bait need be used, and they may be purchased from any reputable tackle dealer, even though some inventive souls make their own. The only problem in their use is flavour. At the last count, there were 4276 different flavours, each of which was specific to a particular geographical location, type of water, pH of water, season of the year, day of the week, phase of the moon, and time of day. Some are reputed to take into account the biorhythms of the user!'

[Nailbourne]

Third instalment:
'Use the correct tackle and accessories This is a very long section since, not only is it essential to have the right rods, reels, etc., but also the equipment to remain comfortable over long periods of time. Above all, the carp angler must look the part.
Rods If you’re a sea-fisherman, you probably won’t need a separate carp-fishing rod. A beachcaster, capable of casting between 3 and 6 ounces of lead, will be ideal. Otherwise, choose a rod of the same power, from a reputable manufacturer. The better the rod, the more information will be supplied, transfer-printed to the rod just above the butt. The longer the rod’s name, the better it will be, especially if it incorporates the name of a successful carp-fisher (i.e. has appeared frequently in the media). You will need at least two identical rods; four are better.
Reels A light sea multiplier is ideal for playing big carp, but suffers from the fact that it doesn’t look quite right. No, stick to a big fixed-spool reel that holds at least 350 yards of line. If this seems excessive, remember that you will be making very long casts of possibly half that distance. The line itself should have a dry breaking strain of at least 20lbs, and you may need a heavier shock leader for casting. The reel should be finished in bright metal with lots of colour.
Rigs The old-timers got this completely wrong, maintaining that carp were wily fish and would be deterred if they felt any check when moving off with the bait. Research has shown that modern carp not only are not bothered by resistance, but actually enjoy pulling a heavy lead around! The combination of hair-rig and bolt rig is all that is needed, especially as this acts as a self-hooker, eliminating the angler’s problem of when to strike! The ‘fish-on’ signal will, of course, be registered by the
Bite Alarm You will need one of these for each rod and, thanks to the marvels of modern electronics, will no longer require yards of wire leading to the buzzer or, indeed, a buzzer at all. A wireless connection with your laptop (see more later) will give you plenty of indication of a hooked fish while you relax in your bivvy.
Rod Pods In the old days, these were termed ‘rod rests’ and you needed two for each rod. Nowadays, with the use of aerospace-quality alloy, integrated systems are available capable of holding four rods, each with its own dedicated bite-alarm. Make sure you buy only those recommended by the top anglers.
Bivvy Gear The ignorant would probably lump all this together under the term ‘normal camping equipment’, but this is a very cynical attitude. Why else would tackle suppliers provide a vast range of such kit if it wasn’t essential? As to what you buy, be guided by the advice in one of the carp-fishing magazines (762 in print at the moment) or the multitude of carp-fishing websites.
Clothing Ideally, you will need two sets. Firstly, because of the survivalist, backwoodsman nature of carp fishing, you should look the part. A full set of army fatigues can be obtained from any store selling ex-army equipment and, indeed, if you model your garb on S.A.S. troopers, you can’t go far wrong. No wellies or thigh waders, though – they look naff and old-fashioned. Treat yourself to a pair of lightweight, waterproof carp boots, as endorsed by professional carpers. (Incidentally, when being photographed in this kit holding your large carp, affect a serious, rather haggard, look, commensurate with the time and effort needed to land it. Also remember to hold the fish closer to the camera than you are – it will make the fish look more impressive). Camouflage face-paint, though not essential, fits in with the image.
The second set of clothing is optional – sort of après-carp, but essential if your fish is so large that the photograph will be printed in one of the 762 carp-fishing magazines, and only on a hot sunny day. A discreet ‘designer’ singlet, with shorts, will suffice. Your expression should be smug and self-satisfied, All exposed flesh should be handsomely bronzed (take a jar of tanning lotion with you, in case) and, if you are of a certain age, the hair should be iron-grey and carefully waved.
Food & Drink Fortunately, nowadays, there is little necessity of carrying cooking apparatus and food. The better the carp lake, the better will be the on-site facilities. At worst, you can expect a café and lavatory; at best, restaurant facilities and a bar, possibly showers and a changing room. However, for whiling away the long night hours, a dozen cans of lager each will prevent dehydration.
In-bivvy Entertainment Rather than to have to spend all night chatting with your friends, there is everything to gain by taking along a small TV, laptop, or games console (or all three). A portable solar charger will keep the batteries in trim. If there is a café, you can be sure the fishery owner will have provided free Wi-Fi. Your bite alarms can also be connected, allowing complete relaxation between bites.
Choose the right time Modern strains of carp will feed every day, all the time, so that all that need be said is to fish at weekends, when you can be sure of the company of lots of like-minded anglers.
Find the fish Simplicity itself! All decent carp fisheries will have a website giving details of the total number of carp in different weight categories (20lb+, 30lb+, etc), the names of the larger carp, the catch breakdown, and all other relevant details. Just choose the one closest to you!
Upon arrival, you will find that all swims will be prepared for your convenience – nice and flat, plenty of room for all your kit, and no annoying vegetation to snag your line. You may be allocated a particular pitch, but don’t worry – the fishery manager will know the best places to fish.

Well, there you have it. Now go and do it. When you.ve gained a bit of proficiency (i.e. caught a few 30 pounders) why not have a go in a carp fishing match - competition is so good for you!'

[Nailbourne]

And the last bit:

'If you’ve had the patience to have read this far, I hope you’ve realise that I’m taking the mick with a vengeance! My own carp fishing was in the 1960s, and was heavily influenced by Dick Walker and his ‘joyous crew’ of friends. In those days, ‘carp lakes’ didn’t exist – some lakes held carp; some didn’t. In those that did, some held large carp, some didn’t. A ‘specimen’ fish was a large one for that water. In a modern carp lake, containing lots of carp from (say) 20 – 50lbs, a 35-pounder isn’t a specimen, it’s average!

To give an example, there is, in my locality, a popular carp lake. Judging by the regular reports of carp landed, I’d estimate that in a typical two-week period, there are more carp of 25lb+ caught in that one lake than in all the lakes in Britain put together during the whole of the 1950s – a period when carp fishing started to become a cult. (The June 2013 fishing report on this one lake listed at least 36 carp caught over 25lb). I doubt very much that this is because anglers are more skilful or tackle is better. It is that the fish are bred to grow to a great size and have lost much of the natural wiliness and cunning that they once had. They are bred to be caught!
Having fished for several years, fruitlessly, for carp in a large gravel pit reputed to hold them (but didn’t!), my best carp fishing was at Wadhurst Lake in East Sussex that, in those days, held only wild carp. It was known as possibly the best wild carp venue in Britain. My best fish – 8lb – was a specimen, since the record for the lake was 10lb! My pal and I caught eight carp that night, from 4lb to 8lb. And I’ll bet that that 8-pounder fought every bit as hard as some of these 25lb+ stock fish.

Far be it from me to criticise those who pursue carp today, or the manner in which they do it, or the fishery owners for trying to make money out of it. If you enjoy it, that’s sufficient justification. But it’s not for me – I’d rather go for a truly wild fish in natural surroundings – pike, for example, or roach, with a minimum of hype, technology, and competition.

Tight lines!'

Well, I hope you've managed to get this far!

[Julian]

Brilliant , made me laugh and so true

[Loop Erimder]

Super read thanks for posting

[Trevor]

That ain't funny. I'm sat here in me bivvy and wanted the latest advice from me iPhone on exactly what time and place the next firty pahnder was gonna 'av 'is lunch, and instead I get this mickey taking.
You better not show your face down at Daves Carp Bowl or me and me mates'll batter you with our NASA designed uber lightweight Teflon coated carbon landing net handles (12' long, £299 from karpkrud.com)

[Mark]

I must say it did make me chuckle.

[JimmyBobkin]

That ain't funny. I'm sat here in me bivvy and wanted the latest advice from me iPhone on exactly what time and place the next firty pahnder was gonna 'av 'is lunch, and instead I get this mickey taking.
You better not show your face down at Daves Carp Bowl or me and me mates'll batter you with our NASA designed uber lightweight Teflon coated carbon landing net handles (12' long, £299 from karpkrud.com)

[RBTraditional]

A cracker, well done!